One Month to Live (c)

DAY 5:  OXYGEN MASK - BREATHING FIRST

memorable quotes:
* "this is your life.  are you who you want to be?" (switchfoot)
* "in the event that our cabin pressure should change, an oxygen mask will be released from the overhead compartment.  please place the oxygen mask on yourself first before helping small children or others who may need assistance" (airine safety announcement).

summary:  gotta take care of yourself b/f you are able to take care of others.  this is not to promote selfishness, just a sense of stability - emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

make it count moment:  what's the biggest physical challenge you face?  weight?  body image?  injury or disease?  what would it look like for you to take better care of your temple?  what one step can you take today toward improving your physical health?

definitely weight.  i've been unhappy about my weight since i was in 4th grade.  it's been a constant mental battle.  i've never been "unhealthy," according to doctors, but unhappy, nonetheless.  i def think it's hindered me though - emotionally and socially.  i'm sure there are other reasons, but it's the easiest thing to blame for so many things in life.  cop-out, maybe.

make it count moment:  how do you usually handle powerful emotions?  do you tend to boil over or slowly simmer?  think of the last time a feeling overwhelmed you - fear, joy, disappointment, excitement, jealousy, or anger.  how did you express it?  what do you wish you'd done differently?

i tend to stifle.  i have a hard time expressing it initially.  i've been on my own/independent for so long, that expressing any vulnerability is very difficult for me.  i'm good about expressing it after i have time to think about it...come up with the words - at least in terms of anger and disappointment.  i think...

make it last for life:
1) how would you rate your health in each of these four areas - spiritual, physical, emotional, relational - from one (terrible) to ten (fantastic)?  what's the greatest challenge to improving your health in these areas?  what can you do to work through this challenge?

spiritual (6) - always room for improvement.  i desire for better, but am really bad about getting into a routine.  i go through spurts.
physical (6) - i function.  i could be healthier.  i've got weight to lose, for sure.
emotional (6) - i don't think my emotions are abnormal, but it has been a rough 7 months.  in fact, i've cried at least a little about 4-5 days out of any given week.  i'll learn.  it's definitely a pruning season.
relational (4-5) - i have a couple close friends, but since i'm on my own so much, i desperately wish i had more.  i don't have an accountability partner.  i've never had a real romantic relationship, and i gotta wonder...is it b/c i have a hard time relating to people or is it just my circumstances make developing them more difficult?  it's certainly hard to make friends when the majority of people you know DEFINITELY don't have the same values that you do.

2) spend time journaling about a specific goal for each of these four areas that you can pursue during the rest of this month.  make sure the goals are practical and measurable.

spiritual - daily devotions
physical - start with 10 pounds with an ultimate goal of 30...maybe even 60.
emotional - how 'bout not crying for a week?!  haha.  we'll start there.
relational - i hate typing it, but maybe closing the door of the reason i've been crying for 7 months.  i know in my head that it'd probably be the best thing, but my heart has been fighting that for months.

3) connect daily to www.onemonthtolive.com and spend fifiteen to thirty minutes working on your spiritual, physical, emotional, and relational health.

One Month To Live (b)...

DAY 3:  TIME SQUARED - SPENDING YOUR MOST VALUABLE RESOURCE

memorable quotes:
* "i don't want to get to the end of my life and find that i have just lived the length of it.  i want to have lived the width of it as well" (diane ackerman).
* "guard well your spare moments.  they are like uncut diamonds.  discard them and their value will never be known.  improve them and they will become the brightest gems in a useful life" (ralph waldo emerson).

summary:  are you wasting the days you have?

make it count moment:  what consumes most of your time each day?  be as specific as possible in responding.  many of us might say work consumes most of our hours each day, but break it down.  what exactly consumes you at work?  how meaningful is it?  how satisfying is it?  how much of any given day do you spend doing only what you do best?

honestly?  i spend WAY too much time on facebook.  not gonna lie.  i'm a facebook addict.  even worse?  i think i only do it b/c i desperately seek the attention of others.  i live alone and spend most of my day alone.  i use facebook as my connection to the world, and hope it reminds people of me.  how sad is that?!  at work, i'm probably more productive in my off-time than i am when i'm teaching.  but then again, that depends on the opinions of the students.  i hope i'm teaching them...but is it teaching if there's no learning?  ponder that one...

make it count moment: in general, do you agree with the 80/20 principle?  does it seem to fit your life and how you spend your time?  what activities in your life would you consider wasted time?  what keeps you from using that time in a more meaningful way?

yeah, i agree with it - that we produce 80% of our total output with only 20% of our invested time.  the other 80% of time is wasted.  like i said before, the amount of time on facebook is whole load of wasted time.  i could be catching up in my Bible study, among other books i'm reading right now.  i guess i feed into my addiction b/c it's easy - doesn't take any work.  it's a mental break from the stress of the day.  and, embarassingly so, i can check up on people...like him.  :(  what's wrong with me?!  ugh.

make it last for life:
1) keep a time journal this week, and jot down how you spend each day.  try to rate your productivity (what you accomplish) along with your contentment (how you experienced each day).  how would you reate the cost-effectiveness of how you invested your time?

no need...productivity is there in spurts.  i'm pretty unpredictable.  i just cleaned my room after neglecting it for weeks...maybe even a month?  needless to say, i jumped on that, and i'm doing a couple journals tonight.  i'll probably make up for it by just sitting around tomorrow.  :)

2) what was the biggest time waster in your past week?  what was the payoff for you?  did it distract you, entertain you, allow you to avoid someone?  is there a way to use your time differently and have a greater, more significant impact?  maybe you need to watch less television and to read more, or perhaps instead of surfing the internet, you could go for a walk or get some other exercise.  come up with a short list of alternate activities you can pursue the next time you're tempted to waste time by default.

like i said...facebook and other internet crap.  biggest time waster.  the only payoff was the communication with others.  i really do get lonely, and facebook is often my connection to the non-cat world.  i should be more affective though.  i know this.  i have been reading more - A LOT MORE than i ever have before in my life.  i think tomorrow i'll try to squeeze in a good walk.  i've been meaning to, and i was SOOOO good this summer.

3) how would you describe your current season of life?  does it feel like you're buried beneath frozen tundra, emotionally hibernating?  or is it more like spring, with signs of new life in view?  what does it mean for you to accept and honor your current season?

my current season in a nutshell - 7 months of playing "i wish" and being sad and lonely.

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DAY 4:  POWER SURGE - CONNECTING WITH THE ULTIMATE SOURCE

memorable quotes:
* "you don't have a soul.  you are a Soul.  you have a body" (c.s. lewis).
* "you formed us for yourself, and our hearts are restless till they find rest in you" (saint augustine).

summary:  Jesus is the vine.  we are the branches.  stay connected to Him.  we're gonna need pruning.

make it count moment:  in what area of your life are you struggling the most to change?  is it getting physically fit or losing weight?  is it breaking a bad habit?  is it a relationship issue?  are you trying to change with willpower or God's power?  what words or phrases in matthew 11:28-29 intrigue you?  why?

pretty obvious that i'm struggling most to change my attitude/emotions/heart concerning the guy.  he's my bad habit.  well, not him, per se, but the addiction to the struggle is my bad habit.  i'm not sure how i'm trying to change b/c, to be perfectly honest, i don't know if i am trying to change at all.  i don't like the hurt, but i love the guy.  i'm having the hardest time "letting go" b/c the ounce of pain i get from the little connection i have with him is still a connection, nonetheless.  i know it makes me sound desperate and pathetic, but my heart is so hung up on him.  i know it should be focused on God.  i know that.  but i'm having a very hard time getting over him...a very unsuccessful time too, i might add.

make it count moment:  what are some ways you've seen God prune areas of your life?  how have you handled the pruning?  (be honest - we all whine at times!)  what has been the result of His cuts into your life?  where are you still waiting to see results?

with the guy - definitely.  i'm not gonna lie...i did some foolish things, and i don't doubt for one second that our separation has something to do with getting back on track.  i guess "he" was the part of me that wasn't bearing fruit, and God cut him away.  i understand that - in and of that time.  but my ache is in the hope that a more righteous, God-centered relationship will be in our future.  is it wrong to hope?  i'm definitely waiting to see results in my heart - either resolution and the ability to move, if that's the Lord's will - or at least contentment with the current situation and a divine understanding that something better is coming...maybe or maybe not with him.

make it last for life:
1) what are the current barriers to spiritual health in your life?  in other words, what keeps you from connecting to God as your primary source of spiritual life?

him - well, my head garbage regarding him.

2) write a letter or prayer to God, being as honest as you can about your present disappointments and frustrations.  consider how these problems or issues might be preparing you for a more fruitful season.

God -
i understand the pruning process.  i get it.  but i hate it.  i know we were never promised an easy life, and actually can expect the opposite as we grow closer to You, but it just seems like everyday gets harder and harder.  i'm not gonna lie, God.  i'm broken.  i gave so much of my heart to him that i can't fathom how i'll ever get it back, and yet i don't want it back.  i want him back.  i struggle everyday with understanding why it couldn't work out.  no relationship is perfect.  then again, i wouldn't know b/c i have nothing to compare it to.  i'm angry, God.  i thought for sure this could have been my chance at love...marriage...a family.  sure i'm thinking WAY long term, but the fact that the ball was rolling gave me hope that my love life had started.  then, nothing.  stopped in my tracks.  i don't understand, God.  i really don't, and THAT is what hurts the most.

3) how are you doing in the areas of communication and confession?  how would you practice them differently if you knew you only had one month to live?

i have slacked lately, but i tend to talk to God a lot.  and, man oh man, am i confessing crap all the time.  if i only had a month to live though, i think i would be more intentional about blocking chunks of time to spend with Him, instead of moments here and there.  i know He's worth more than that.  but honestly, i have such a hard time concentrating on the silence of talking to God...if that makes sense.  and, i get so easily frustrated from not feeling as though i hear Him.

Currently Live Like You Were Dying By Tim McGraw "live like you were dying" see related

One Month to Live...

don't be worried.  i haven't gotten any terminal reports from any doctors.  it's just that our church has now started up the "one month to live" series that coincides with the book of the same name (by kerry & chris shook).  i don't have the accompanying journal to jot down my progress, so i figured i'd used xanga instead.  bear with me for the next 30 or so days.  only God knows what could come of this.  in each blog (some containing more than one day), i'll include the quotes from the chapter, a quick summary, and the question the author poses to challenge us, along with my answers ("make it count" and "make it last for light").  and here i go...

DAY 1:  INTRODUCTION - LIVING THE DASH

relevant quotes:
** "death is more universal than life; everyone dies but not everyone lives" (alan sachs).
** "i am convinced that it is not the fear of death, of our lives ending, that haunts our sleep so much as the fear...that as far as the world is concerned, we might as well never have lived" (harold kushner).

summary:  make the time you're here count.

make it last for life:
1) as quickly as possible, without thinking too hard or too long, make a list of five things you'd change about your life if you knew you only had a month to live.  choose at least one to begin changing today, right now.

* take work more seriously and try to make an impact while i'm there.
* find love - although i don't think that's something i can do on my own.
* sleep more/better rest - don't want to be grumpy and tired all the time.
* lose weight? - hardly seems significant if i had only a month to live.
* work on more QT with the 'rents

i'm gonna try my 4th and 5th.  i think the 4th might effect a whole lot of the others.

2) describe how you would like your life to be different at the end of reading this book.  what drew you to open these pages in the first place?  what's going on in your life now that has prepared you to think about who you are and why you're here?

i'd like to feel whole again.  for the last 7 months, i've been really struggling with finding joy in life.  i have my moments - usually when i'm distracted, but when i dwell on all that i wish i had, i find myself feel incomplete.  i picked up the book partially b/c of peer pressure (church-wide study) and partially b/c i have been so dissatisfied.  not sure if it's relevant, but the biggest thing in life right now is my heart situation - getting over this guy or closure...or whatever God's plan is there.  if anything, it's showed me that my focus has not been on God, and i've been selfish.  it's also showed me how i really just want to be loved...and as much as i know God does, i need that physical expression.  never really had it growing up and really do feel a sense of neglect.  i'm reading this book at a very vulnerable time in my life.

3) tell at least one other person - friend, family member, or coworker - that you're reading this book.  ask that person to circle the calendar date for one month from today and to ask you then how your life has changed.

i'm telling all of you.  :)  i'm also about a week behind where i'd like to be, so my "date of completion" isn't 30 days from now.  it's probably only 25 or so.  i'm gonna double up some sessions 'till i'm back on track.  then i'll let ya know.

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DAY 2:  ROLLER COASTER - RIDING THE BIG DIPPER

relevant quotes:
** "life isn't measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away" (anonymous).
** "somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying.  then we might live life to the limit, every minute of every day.  do it, i say!  whatever you want to do, do it now!  there are only so many tomorrows" (pope paul vi).

summary:  LIVE today.  don't suffer from someday syndrome.

make it count moment:  do you see your life more as a safe ride or a trip on the big dipper (an exciting, yet probably unsafe, rollercoaster the author has ridden)?  what areas of your life are safer than others?  for example, maybe you take huge risks to advance in your career, but you overly protect your heart and risk little in relationships?

i'm not much of a risk taker.  i like pretending i have control - emphasis on pretending.  i do like to live for the moment, but there's not much risk in decided to go to chicago on a whim, or visit a friend in tennessee with no plan.  or at least i don't believe so.  i'm not as careful as i should be with my heart though.  i've learned to take SOME chances over the years, and i try to be as honest about my feelings as i can.  it's made me very vulnerable - obviously - and i've realized that the time period necessary to move on and heal takes longer and longer and longer...to the point where i don't know how i can possibly get over this one.  :-\  then again, when it's right, it'll be worth that risk, right?

make it count moment:  are you doing anything in your life right now that requires faith?  if not, why not?  are you looking at life from God's perspective or from a ground-level perspective?

working on this heart issue is definitely a test of faith.  i don't know how successful i'm being at giving it to God, but i know i have to.  i definitely know that i'm struggling with Him and pulling so hard on my end of the rope, hoping to have my way.  by the way, i'm losing.  trusting that God will provide better will definitely be the biggest leap of faith of my life. 

make it last for life:
1) if you were certain your life as you know it would end in a few weeks, what would be your biggest regret?  why?

i have a few.  first, sometimes i regret not saying "yes" when (the guy) and i first started talking about going out.  i wonder all the time where we'd be today.  would it have worked?  would it have changed where the circumstances have taken us?  would i have cried as many times as i have?  would we have broken up, and ultimately cost us our friendship?

sometimes i regret starting a friendship with him.  "you don't miss chocolate if you've never had it."  then again, truth be told, february alone was so good that it pretty much eliminates the 7 months of sadness since.

less superficially, i'd regret the lack of time i've had or created to spend with my family.  we're close (by proximity), but i don't feel connected to them very often.  partly middle child syndrome, partly valid.

2) in what area of your life are you suffering from someday syndrome?  make a decision today never again to use the phrase "someday, when things settle down."  realize that today is your someday.

all i can think of has to do with weight loss and working on my house...hmm...and maybe that QT with family.

3) instead of a roller coaster, what symbol or metaphor would you choose to describe what your life would look like if you were fully engaged?  try to come up with something as unique as you are.  find a picture of that symbol, and use it as a reminder to live with no regrets.  go to www.onemonthtolive.com for suggestions.

gosh, i haven't the foggiest idea.  any suggestions b/f i check out their site?  :)

Change is hard.

welp, i'm 30.  i've been trying to forget about by filling life with trips and enough "to do's" that i don't end up dwelling on the "list" that many girls create in their early teens and know for certain (ahem) will be accomplished by 30.  ha. 

it's been hard to accomplish much throughout the year b/c my eyes...heart...has been focused on this guy.  i don't think i'll ever get all the answers to the "why" questions i've been forming for months now - "why did you ever approach me as if you liked me when you obviously didn't?"  "or, if you did, why did things change?"  "why was i enough then, but seem not to carry the qualifications necessary to be your friend today?"  and the worst one..."why can't i experience love, Lord?"

depressing, i guess, but such is life. 

the pastors at my church just finished a series based on the proverbs, called "the path."  the main point is that things/people capture our attention (or we give them our attention), which in turn determines the direction of the path we'll take, and it's the direction that leads to our destination...not our intention.  for example, "a single girl intends to marry a Christian guy, but she'll date any hot guy that comes along.  it doesn't matter what her intention is, the direction she's taking isn't leading her toward that original goal."  that's where i am.  my intention has been to marry the GOOD, Christian guy.  in fact, there's a list of endearing qualities i'd hope he'd have.  but some guy shows me attention, and automatically i'm convinced he's the one.

what's wrong with me?  is that a girl thing? 

regardless, i'm working on rebuilding.  refocusing.  regrouping.  recuperating.  truth is, i have deep-rooted doubts that he exists for me.  i grew up in the church, and i have this horrible fear that God will fail me here.  would i have this huge tug on my heart for a family of my own if it wasn't part of my future?  or was it a part of the plan, but my own stupidity got in the way?

i gotta use this time...no time limit...learning to trust God and believing that He'd want to bless me and moving past self-loathing.

::sigh::  change is hard.

Currently Not Without Love By Jimmy Needham "Hurricane" see related

My Hurricane...

I am Yours and You are mine
You know far better than I
And if destruction's what I need
Then I'll receive it, Lord, from Thee
Yes, I'll receive it, Lord, from Thee

great song.  dangerous lyrics.  i guess i need to be more careful about what i sing due to the fact that being "destroyed" really hurts.  ugh.  truth is, i know that at my lowest, only God can take the glory.  i know any healing can't and won't be from me, and that i'll have to let go and let God (as i've been writing about for months now).

how long can i stay in limbo before i finally just throw up my hands and say, "heck with it?!"  things aren't changing.  at least they aren't for the better.  i suppose they are getting worse.  it's no longer about whether or not there's the potential for a relationship.  now, i struggle with whether or not the friendship is worth it.

i'm a nice person.  i try to go out of my way for others, yet i'm finding myself CONSTANTLY torn down with sarcastic insults and jokes that, frankly, aren't funny, but rather hurtful.  problem is, i've invested so much of myself at this point that simply walking away feels impossible.  i know this type of destruction isn't from God.  it's just ironic that "hurricane," by jimmy needham, screams lyrics of destruction for the purpose of being built up again.  at our worst, we begin to allow for His best.

i just don't understand why the idea of a healthy friendship seems impossible.  i'm hurt, and i don't deserve it.  you know it's bad when his mom even chimes in with the (all-too-often) "stop being mean!"

guys, take it from me, be a man and own up to your feelings.  if you're not into the girl, TELL HER AND JUST GET IT OVER WITH.  the pain and torture from trying to figure it out or dealing with your passive aggressive ways to throw her away are incredibly painful.  they're not helpful and you're just being an absolute jerk in the longrun.

ugh.  i just don't know anymore, and i hate that i doubt God's plan for me.